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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567509">the very reason you're alive for</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesmiserablol/pseuds/lesmiserablol'>lesmiserablol</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Recovery, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:48:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567509</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesmiserablol/pseuds/lesmiserablol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Azula's life isn’t glamorous. It isn’t close to the life she ever imagined for herself. It is the kind she had sneered at once, deeming it for the peasants while she was destined to always be a princess. </p><p>She rises and rests with the sun. She gathers eggs from the pickens. She starts fires using spark rocks.  </p><p>Zuko has offered to teach her how to firebend again, how to find a source to reignite her inner fire, but she has never taken him up on it. Sometimes she tries, just to see what will happen, and sees only smoke come from her fingers. Eventually she stops trying. </p><p>(or: Azula goes to therapy, starts a garden, bonds with her brother, learns to bake, and meets her niece, but not necessarily in that order.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azula &amp; Izumi (Avatar), Azula &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Azula &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Azula (Avatar) &amp; Original Female Character(s), Azula (Avatar)/Original Female Character(s), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>107</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>418</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the very reason you're alive for</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/genderfluid_zuko/gifts">remussimp (genderfluid_zuko)</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey hey!! I wrote this for the ATLA New Year exchange as a gift for alt-nyx on tumblr, who requested Azula getting therapy and having some sweet moments with Zuko. </p><p>This starts off four years after the war, and takes place during the eight years after that. So here is a content warning, there is lots of talk the effects of Azula's upbringing on her mental wellbeing and the recovery she had to go through after her mental breakdown on the day of Sozin's comet and stuff like that ahead.</p><p>(title comes from the Finding Neverland musical)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Azula had picked Hing Wa Island, on the very edge of the Fire Nation, at random. It had taken four years — four years since the war had ended and she had been taken to the hospital, unaware just how long she would be there — but the doctors finally agreed she was ready to live on her own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I</span>
  <span>t was in some boring meeting in one of her least favorite rooms in the hospital. Nothing very exciting or good happened in this room, she mainly just sat there while they talked about her progress with her brother, who tried to keep a poker face, but always had a tense expression. After the first two years of not wanting to see him and yelling at him to go away, she grew to actually like him, so it never failed to ruin her day when she knew he was coming for a visit and they were led to The Room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only this time, she knew what was coming. They had discussed it in the past few meetings and in sessions with her therapists, so she sat down next to her brother and didn’t avoid eye contact with anyone. She couldn’t mess this up. Not when it took her so long to get here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko had looked happy for her, but he also had a lot of questions. Azula stared out the window as the doctors answered, but she looked at them when they said something about outpatient care, blah blah blah, there was no finish line when it came to healing, it was all a process, and so on. She didn't pay much attention, nodding occasionally as if she was listening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then they talked about the finer details of it all. Azula knew she wouldn’t go back to Caldera, she never wanted to see the palace again, but she had never processed exactly <em>where</em> she would go instead until several pairs of eyes were on her, asking her thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was so eager to get out, to have her freedom, that she picked one of the first places on the map she glanced at, worried that the doctors would change their mind if they thought she was about to change hers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they didn’t. She said goodbye to Zuko, knowing that when he came back next month, she would be leaving with him. He promised to make arrangements.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She spent the next month making sure she was proving to the doctors (and to herself) that she was handling this transition fine. She kept a wary eye on them, waiting for someone to pull the rug from under her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It never happened. Zuko showed up a few weeks later to help her move. Well, his help was just to give her a ride on his ship, she didn’t need anyone to pack her one bag for her. She also didn’t need anyone to carry it for her, but he took it anyway and walked up the gangway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula knew it took much longer to travel by sea than by airship, but Zuko didn’t argue when she said she didn’t want that. The last time she was in one, it wasn’t an 'airship', it was a <em>war balloon</em>. The boat was a slightly nice alternative.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Azula has some land behind her new house, as do her neighbors, whose houses are all spread out from each other. Their clusters of animals and beautiful gardens look better than the large clearing of bare soil she has. Zuko found the place for her, and he tells her of the things they can do to make it look nicer and feel more comfortable. Azula half listens and unpacks within only a few minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Technically, Zuko has better things to be doing than making sure his little sister settles down in her new home. He has a nation to run and a boyfriend that he clearly misses. But he stays. He walks with her around the village, discovering with her the quickest route to the market and taking her to the rocky beach. They only pass a few people, and Azula’s first instinct is to break eye contact, but she resists it and is surprised when they look at her and don’t appear phased to see her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko sees it, too, and notices her confusion. “It’s been four years, Azula. You look different. You’re not dressed like a princess, and people haven’t heard about you in some time. Some people know you’re here, others don’t, they are all happy to welcome you here. You'll be safe here. You can...start over."</span>
</p><p><em>Safe</em>.</p><p>
  <span>The anonymity is strange. She spends the rest of the day studying the reactions of the other villagers. And when they get home that night, she asks her brother to cut her hair, just to make sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She feels a physical and mental weight lifted when she looks in the mirror. Instead of falling to her waist, the ends of her hair now reach a few inches below her shoulders. Zuko keeps asking if he did okay or if he needs to fix it, but Azula is too busy examining her appearance to answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(He’s right, she does look different.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tries smiling, but lets it drop after just a moment, turning away from the mirror to her brother and saying it looks fine.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the start of the second week on the island, she wakes up with the sun and when she finally gets out of bed, she finds a note from Zuko. He already left to buy them more food. She walks outside to get water when she stops and notices the sky. She is frozen in place, trying to remember the last time she watched the sun rise. Has it always looked like this? The golden rays of the sun are slowly spreading across the sky, reflected on the ocean, brightening everything in its path. She stares at it, transfixed, until she notices her neighbor working in her garden. The older woman sees her and gives her a wave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula blinks, then goes back inside, and is surprised when there is a knock at her door soon after that. She slides it open just slightly. The woman had waved at her and Zuko in passing a few times, but they had never spoken before, and now she is standing on her doorstep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning,” she smiles warmly. “I am Ami. Lord Zuko asked me to stop by.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula narrows her eyes in distrust. “You’re a therapist.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ami looks surprised for a moment, then shakes her head. “I’m a friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re afraid of getting close to people, so you push them all away. You’re trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula had scoffed at a lot of the things Monoh had said in the hospital when they had their private therapy sessions, but she heard every word, and she remembers every one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need any of those,” Azula says eventually, and slides the door shut. She clenches her fists. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko comes home and watches Azula closely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was your morning?” he asks carefully, casually. He grabbed ash bananas from the market. It took her a few days to realize that was why the island sounded familiar, why she had recognized it on the map so quickly. Nothing but the best for the royal family, and that meant ash bananas from Hing Wa Island. She loved the fruit as a kid, but the ones at the Earth Kingdom hospital tasted terrible in comparison. She tried every loaf of bread it was baked into, only to be disappointed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stares at them now and wonders if buying them was an act of kindness or an excuse to get out of the house and let her talk with Ami in private. Or maybe both. Zuko follows her gaze and then picks one up off the table to offer it to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never were and never will be very subtle,” she says to his question, with a shake of her head.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ami comes by again the next day. This time she is holding a basket of mantou buns. Azula takes them, staring suspiciously from the buns to Ami. But Ami is already walking away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko pretends to be busy with reading something at the table, but his eyes aren’t moving, and they look up after Azula stares at him for a few moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” he asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is this?” she asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks like a basket of food,” he answers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be a smartass,” she says, but there’s no heat to it. “What are you doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to be alone, Azula,” he says softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if that’s what <em>I</em> want? I spent the last four years feeling like even when I was the only one in the room, that I wasn’t alone, that I was being watched, or that any moment someone could walk in and take my solitude away. Why can’t I have this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko stands up from the cushion he is kneeling on, walking to the window. He watches Ami return to her house, one hand fidgeting with the sleeve of his tunic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ami lost her husband and youngest son in the war,” he says. “That son’s wife lived with her at the time, then died soon after in childbirth. The baby didn’t survive. The only family she has left live on different islands, and can only visit once or twice a year.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula blinks, looking back out the window, but Ami is nowhere in sight. She had no idea. The woman’s smile gave nothing away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you telling me this?” she asks eventually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because Ami isn’t a therapist. At least, not in the way you’re used to. She’s someone who has struggled, and seen a lot, but she is trying. Just like you. And I think you could help each other.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula wants to argue, wants to push back, but she doesn’t have the energy. “When are you going back?” she asks instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Not home, not the palace, just...back.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to leave in two days,” he says, frowning. “But I can come back in a few weeks, or as soon as you need me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be okay without you.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Azula isn’t okay without him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(A fact that she doesn’t want to admit, not even to herself. She only starts entertaining the idea that weekend.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thunder wakes her up in time to see the room light up with a flash of lightning. She sits up with a jerk, and her first instinct is to call out. For Zuko or for the doctors, she isn’t sure, she just knows <em>someone</em> should be there with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And for the first time in years, no one is there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That is a fact that had been liberating for a while, but now threatens to overwhelm her. She pulls her knees up to her chest and hugs them tightly, willing her body to stop shaking. The rain is falling hard, as if arrows were being shot from all directions toward her house.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re always looking over your shoulder, Azula. Do you not feel safe here?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>(If it took her months to let her guard down at the hospital by just a fraction, how long until she would be comfortable here?)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The storm is so </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but she still hears it when there is a knock on her door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Half convinced she is just imagining it, the sound echoing through her head along with the voice of her old therapist, Azula stumbles to the door, sliding it open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ami is standing in the rain, water dripping from her hair, holding another basket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Relief floods through her, but Azula can only react by staring at her for a moment in shock before the cold of the storm makes her shiver. She sighs. “Come in.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ami places the basket on the table, Azula finds some honey, and together they eat. The buns are delicious and melt in her mouth, and it’s almost enough of a distraction from the storm, if it weren't for every flash of lightning reminding her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don’t talk. Ami watches Azula finish the last bun, and then she offers to teach her how to make it. Azula doesn’t answer. Ami leaves when the storm calms down and the sun rises on a new day.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That afternoon, Azula shows up at Ami’s door, and Ami puts her to work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had spent the morning pacing. After Ami left and the sky cleared and the air was once again peaceful, Azula still couldn’t fall asleep. Instead, she thought of Ami’s company, and she thought of Zuko’s words.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She’s someone who has struggled, and seen a lot, but she is trying. Just like you. And I think you could help each other.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula isn't very good at the whole “helping people” thing. At least, she tells herself that, because she is afraid what will happen if she tries. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(If she doesn't try, she won't fail, and there will be no consequences or disappointment.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Ami had tried. She had gone to her house in the middle of the night, she had walked through the rain to get to her, just to give her some company when Azula needed it most. And after hours of contemplation, Azula returned the favor, navigating the muddy path to the woman's house so she wouldn't be alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mantou buns come out a little flatter than the ones Ami made. Azula scowls and throws the steaming basket out the window, then immediately feels ashamed. She waits for Ami to leave, or to get mad at her and start yelling, but she simply reopens her sack of flour and begins the process again without another word. This time, Azula makes sure to not mess it up. It requires working painfully slow to get it right, but Ami doesn’t seem to mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She puts a kind but firm hand on Azula’s shoulder, stopping her when she tries grabbing the dough out of the bowl right away. “An essential step is to let dough rise. For it to rise, you need to let it rest. Much like us, sometimes. We need to be kind to ourselves and </span>
  <em>
    <span>rest, </span>
  </em>
  <span>so that we can grow into something even better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula stares at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t respond to that, but the words echo in her mind all night, along with something one of the male therapists said to her once.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re being too hard on yourself. That has become your default, when you aren’t good at something right away. Allow yourself to be a beginner. Allow yourself to walk the path, don’t just skip to the ending. There’s a lot you’ll miss from the journey if you do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula doesn’t want to rest. She wanted to walk out of the hospital feeling...whole. Normal. Why is it so much easier said than done? </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her life isn’t glamorous. It isn’t close to the life she ever imagined for herself. It is the kind of life she had sneered at once, deeming it for the peasants while she was destined to always be a princess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rises and rests with the sun. She gathers eggs from the pickens. She starts fires using spark rocks.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko has offered to teach her how to firebend again, how to find a source to reignite her inner fire, but she has never taken him up on it. Sometimes she tries, just to see what will happen, and sees only smoke come from her fingers. Eventually she stops trying. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ami is a good friend. She is reaching the age of 60, but she still has an air of grace about her. She talks about her grandchildren in different parts of the Fire Nation, and Azula tries to ignore her, but one day she realizes she knows all their names by heart. She remembers stories about Ami’s husband that she has told dozens of times. The recipe for the mantou buns is one that she learned from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula keeps her distance, worried that Ami will change her mind, maybe get tired of Azula. Or Azula will accidentally manipulate her and then Ami will hate her. But after months of waiting for the other shoe to drop, she realizes her fears are in vain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ami is one of the kindest and most loyal people Azula has ever met. She feels angry for ever doubting her, and she directs her anger the best way she knows how. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shows up on Ami’s doorstep that evening, the basket of steamed buns in her hands, imperfections and all.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s the best she has to offer. It isn’t much, but Ami takes it with gratitude and praises her for it. Azula feels herself smile. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Immediately, Azula knows that something is different with her brother. His wide smile, seen even from this distance, gives it away, and she doesn’t have to wait for long before she realizes why. He’s wearing a new blue ribbon around his neck and Azula teases him for his dopey smile and it reminds her of how far they have come. Their visits in the hospital were always so strained, Zuko having to meet with various doctors and Azula not always happy to see him. But here, on the island, things are different. They have been ever since she came here two years ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko shows her the betrothal necklace up close and she turns it over in her hands. “Tell Sokka to treat you right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is no threat, although that idea had come across her mind for a second before she decided no, Zuko didn’t come here to hear the lengths she would go to to protect him after the years and years of effort he put into protecting her. He knows. He doesn’t need to hear her say it. No, he came here to share his happiness, and that is what she intends to do. To be happy, and to be happy because he is happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko smiles. “He does. He treats me better than I thought I ever deserved.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Over the last few years, Sokka has been brought up in most visits and in every letter. It was one of her greatest sources of entertainment while in the hospital, starting with watching her brother turn red at just the mention of Water Tribe boy’s name and seeing him progress to where he could finally tell Azula more about him without becoming a flustered mess. Ever since they started dating, he always talks of Sokka with a fond smile on his face, his cheeks just a light pink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He wanted to come see you, but he’s in the South Pole right now,” Zuko adds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula doesn’t look up from the necklace still in her hands, but she smiles at it despite the churning in her stomach. She has seen Sokka a few times over the years, but part of her will always picture him as the dorky fifteen year old he was when they met.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(She just hopes he doesn’t always picture her as the fourteen year old she was.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s good at writing letters, even if I’m not so good at responding,” Azula says. “He’s welcome to come by sometime. I know you’ll be busy with the wedding, though.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko is silent for a few moments, watching her. Azula knows that to him and him only, she’s an open book, and isn’t surprised when he says, “We could have the wedding here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula shakes her head. It’s not just Caldera City that she doesn’t want to see again. Sure, she gets visits from Ty Lee and Mai every now and then, and Aang and Katara have even stopped by when they were around. But seeing everyone together...it sounds overwhelming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko seems to understand what she can’t say. They’ve had plenty of conversations in the past five years about things that are difficult to say for him to be able to read her silence this time. He just squeezes her shoulder gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me there?” she asks, finally meeting his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko seems to consider that question deeply. She knows that his first reaction is to say yes, of course he wants her there, but he’s not the impulsive teenager he had once been. He’s better at thinking things through, and Azula knows that is partially thanks to Sokka.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like that,” he says honestly. “But not anymore than I would want to be here to see you. I think you should stay, if that’s what you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nods, feeling relieved. “If you need a honeymoon spot, you’re welcome to sleep on my kitchen floor. I’m sure Sokka would love to see all the sights of Hing Wa island.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko snorts. “Yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>romantic. But honestly, I’m sure he would love to spend more time with you in your garden. He has tried planting some things on the palace grounds, but he usually forgets about them a week later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula feels a flicker of pride. After teaching her how to cook, Ami offered to teach her how to garden. Gardening was easier than cooking, there were no set rules on how to do it, so when the plants grew more wild or the berries more purple than usual, it was okay. It didn’t have to be perfect, Azula always told herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The garden quickly became a large part of her life. She learned from other neighbors with their dozens of different plants, and they suggested she sell her fruits and vegetables with them at the market. It took some time to talk herself into it, but now Azula is there every week, selling her plants but mainly gossiping with the older women there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(She had been worried about people finding out who she was when she first arrived, but now she is happy to share the details of the love life of her brother-slash-Fire-Lord. The women will be thrilled to hear about their engagement.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t get a lot of money from the market, which was fine with her. Zuko made sure she was comfortable, and when she had customers who looked like they needed more than they could afford, she gave away generously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(After so many years of only wanting to take, she taught herself how to give. And when others wanted to give, she taught herself how to accept it.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Sokka can get away with forgetting about his plants, but he better not forget to take care of you,” Azula says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko grins. “He won’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And don't think you get a pass for being my brother. If you don’t take good care of him, I’ll come after you,” she adds seriously.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a new woman there the next time she goes to the market. She is selling ash bananas. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Azula got the letter from Sokka a week ago. She was half expecting him to change his mind and not show up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he does. He visited her on his own a few times in the past, but the last time he had come alone had been when he had told her of his plans to propose to Zuko.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you asking for my blessing? Do you want me to say you can ask for his hand in marriage?” she had asked, interrupting his nervous ramblings about the love he has for her brother. Which, <em>gross</em>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sokka had laughed at that. “No, I know you’d say something about how he can make his own decisions and we don’t need you to approve—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sokka had frozen at that for all of two seconds before she snorted in laughter and he shoved her playfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not funny! For a second I thought there was actually some Fire Nation custom that Iroh failed to mention about getting approval from the sister or something, you really freaked me out there,” he scowled, but the mirth in his eyes betrayed his amusement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t resist,” she smirked. "For the record, you don't need my approval, but you have it anyway."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Since that visit, the two of them got married, and that meant either both of them visited her, or Just Zuko.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now it’s Just Sokka, and it feels normal again. Until the second morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula notices the signs, but doesn’t know if she should bring them up. Sokka walking around her house slowly, footsteps heavy. Sitting with his legs straight out instead of kneeling at the table for breakfast. She finally opens her mouth when he grabs his cane from his pack to go with her to buy some fish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can stay here, you know,” she says, grabbing her coins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And leave it up to you to pick out the best meat? No offense, Azula, but I think I’m the expert between the two of us,” he smirks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re so good at choosing meat, why did you pick <em>my brother</em> as your husband?” she raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rude!” Sokka laughs, poking her in the side with the end of his cane before she can get out of his reach. “But really, I’m fine with going, I could use the walk. It helps stretch my leg out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it...hurt? Often?” she asks once they leave the house, walking at a much slower pace to stay by Sokka’s side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He forces a small smile, and for a second Azula thinks he’s going to brush it off with one of his jokes, but he just lets out a quiet, “Yeah. Pretty often.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” She is silent for a few more steps, then, “That’s lame.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sokka’s eyes widen immediately. “Was that a pun?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula hides her smile by tilting her head as she ties her hair back. “Zuko will never believe you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you,” he says, both shocked and amazed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About your leg, though, that’s...pretty awful."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh,” he shrugs with the shoulder of the arm not holding onto the cane. “Yeah, but right now it’s actually a relief. It hasn’t hurt in a few days.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula frowns. “Isn’t it a good thing? For it to not hurt?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, and no,” he answers. “It’s nice to have a break from it, but that is when I start overthinking. My anxiety goes through the roof as I wonder if I have made it up this whole time, if I was just being dramatic and it wasn’t really that bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula is quiet. She thinks about her own good days and bad days. She has a lot more good days, but when the streak goes on for too long she starts to panic. All the time and effort the doctors put in, in seeing therapists, in everything that got her here, what if it had been for someone who didn’t really need it? Had it all been a cry for attention? Did everyone see through her and hate her for what she put them through?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula swallows. “I think I understand what that feels like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sokka’s smile is soft and genuine when he stops to turn and face her. “I thought you might,” he admits. “That’s why I came.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m glad you did.” Her lips twitch into a small smile, and he beams in response.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Fingers brush when the new woman gives Azula the ash bananas and Azula gives her some coins, and she’s still staring at her hands when she gets home that night. If Sokka notices, he doesn’t say anything, but his smile seems a little more knowing than usual.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a few more years for Azula to feel comfortable enough to reach out to Zuko and invite him over instead of answering his questions about when to come by. It feels significant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing that catches her attention is the goatee on Sokka’s face. It looks </span>
  <em>
    <span>ridiculous</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The second thing she notices is the tiny hand that reaches up to yank at said goatee, and she smirks at Sokka’s wince. Maybe they’ll get along after all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sokka looks up at her, and he beams. She almost looks over her shoulder, curious as to who he could be greeting, but then he says, “Azula! You cut your hair again!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her hair is above her shoulders, hanging free instead of tied back, and she can’t help but raise her eyebrow at him. “And you grew some hair,” she responds. Sokka’s smile is so wide and bright that she looks away, and her eyes automatically land on the little girl in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say hi to your Aunt Zula,” Sokka says in a gentle voice to his daughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t she still in the incoherent babbling stage?” she asks, the nerves creeping into her voice now. The little girl, adopted from a Fire Nation mother, blinks at Azula curiously with golden brown eyes and she tries to give the baby a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, that’s when Zuko steps up to her. She opens her arms a little for him to hug her. She’s surprised, as she always is when they hug, at how tall he is. He’s only got a few inches on her, but it reminds her of how much they both have grown over the years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She catches Sokka watching with a soft smile on his face, and before she can change her mind, she rolls her eyes and waves him over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get over here,” she says, and Sokka beams as he walks up to them and throws an arm around Azula, joining the group hug with Izumi between him and his husband. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They pull apart and Izumi is grabbing at Zuko’s sleeve so he takes her in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Izumi, this is your Aunt Azula. Azula, this is your niece, Izumi,” Zuko introduces formally, as if she is meeting a high ranking official and not her ten month old niece. Zuko has been talking about Azula meeting her since before the baby was born, but ruling a nation and starting a family made for a tight schedule.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula looks from the baby to her brother and does a double take. The look on his face as he watches his daughter...she’s never seen it before. It’s one of love, of pride, of pure </span>
  <em>
    <span>joy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It’s exactly how a parent should look at a child, she thinks. There is no fear, no condescending smile, no apprehension, no boredom. Just pure, fatherly love. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She chances a glance at Sokka and finds a similar expression on his face as he looks from his husband to his daughter, who is still holding one of his fingers tightly in her fist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula looks to the baby, and sees her in a new light than she had just moments before. She imagines what it must feel like to be Zuko or Sokka right now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Empathy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ami had once said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>is one of the greatest strengths one can possess. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She sees Izumi’s potential, she sees her innocence, she sees the light in her curious eyes as she observes the unfamiliar surroundings. She sees new life, so fresh, like a basket of mantou dough before introduced to the steam. She thinks of herself as the flames, destructive if not controlled, separated from the basket by a pan and some water. Azula doesn’t know how to hold children, she doesn’t know how to be a gentle warmth instead of a blazing fire. She’s afraid of burning Izumi, and not just with literal flames. She’s afraid of doing anything to take away the smile off her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula takes a deep breath in. Looks at her brother and his family. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(They are her family, too, she reminds herself.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The smile on Azula’s face feels more comfortable, more natural that day. It’s one that widens as Izumi starts to spit up over Zuko’s Fire Lord robes and she can’t help but join in with Sokka as he starts to laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It isn’t unusual to know everyone’s names. So it shouldn’t feel weird asking the stranger for her name. Why does it feel weird? She’s not even a stranger anymore. She jokes about Azula being her favorite customer, and she always sells the best ash bananas, and when Azula bakes them into something she considers bringing her some. She never does.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her name is Kaiya.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even though fatherhood makes him much busier than usual, Zuko continues to visit her when he gets the chance. It’s not for more than a day or two at a time, and Sokka stays behind to hold down the fort and keep an eye on Izumi. Azula appreciates it, the fits of crying sometimes give her headaches and she doesn’t know how to act around babies. Zuko had asked her if she wanted to hold her, that first meeting, but Azula shook her head without hesitation. Zuko didn’t push it. Still, Azula is surprised when she feels disappointed to see Zuko arriving, once again, alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How old is she now?” Azula asks over dinner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko smiles. He doesn’t have to ask who she is referring to. “She turned two a few months ago.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula nods. “I bet her hair is longer now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is, it grows really fast. You should teach Sokka and I how to style it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don’t need her help, Sokka knows plenty of braids, and surely Ty Lee is willing to teach them, and they have all kinds of servants who could just do it themselves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula meets his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Azula is surprised when she sees Sokka not with a baby in his arms, but with his hand holding tightly to a toddler’s. Izumi is walking, and when she sees Azula she lights up and runs out of her father’s grasp. Azula doesn’t know how to react so she just watches as the girl throws her arms around Azula’s legs and looks up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zu!” she squeals. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Azula’s heart melts.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She still doesn’t know what to do, so she gently pats the girl on her head, making her giggle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been teaching her your name for weeks, showing her that painting we got of you last year. ‘Zu’ is now her favorite word,” Zuko explains. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula knows that the girl is just fixating on a fun sound and repeating it to please her fathers, but that thought doesn’t do anything to stop the heat behind her eyes as she blinks quickly, keeping her gaze focused on her niece to avoid eye contact with the two men. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don’t mention holding her this time, but Azula grabs onto her hand to help her keep her balance (and to reign her in sometimes — that girl has more energy than Azula can possibly muster, although she does try to play along and chase after her every now and then). Izumi watches her bake, standing still for once in her short life, and squealing when Azula demonstrates how to knead the dough and lets her pound her tiny fists into it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She kneels behind Izumi, who is cross legged on the floor, and tries to remember the hairstyles that Ty Lee taught her. Azula remembers when she was young how she had once been doing Mai’s hair when she got annoyed by Ty Lee and the hair in her hands started smoking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tries to focus on the breathing exercises that Ami taught her. Her hands shake and in the end she isn’t pleased with the results, but Izumi doesn’t try and pull the ties out of her hair and Zuko and Sokka dote over how cute she looks, so she takes it as a small victory. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Azula doesn’t bring it up, but she doesn’t need to. Zuko sees how sweet she is with his daughter and he brings Izumi along more often. The crying is still too much for her and she knows that the small girl doesn’t appreciate the juice of the melon apples as well as she should, but every moment with Izumi is perfect. Azula is happier, now that she has Izumi. And she has Zuko, too. She had Zuko before, but Izumi does something to both of them that brings them closer together. There is something about new life, young and fresh and innocent, that brings them both hope, and helps them to heal more.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Kaiya lets Azula practice with her hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula had been talking about her niece and her visits, and how she was trying to remember how to style her hair, but sometimes her hands shook too much or she worried about hurting her, so she could only do a few simple styles. When Kaiya heard this she stood up from the chair she placed next to her stand of ash bananas, gesturing for Azula to sit down, and then sat down on the ground in front of her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Practice on me,” she said. “Take your time. I know you won’t hurt me.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Azula takes a deep, shuddering breath as she watches the land in the distance. She hasn’t been here in twelve years. She didn’t think she would ever come back, but Ami, with the wisdom that comes with age, had held Azula’s hand after she told her about another nightmare and gently told her that perhaps it would help her to see her old home in a new light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Azula knew she was right. She always is. And besides, Azula had been meaning to go back eventually and see for herself all that Zuko has done and is doing.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She is surprised with both how familiar it looks and how different it is. Instead of the glaring reds everywhere, there are flags of other nations decorating the harbor. The defensive canons and other protections are gone, never having been rebuilt after the war. Zuko is there to greet her, smiling nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Home sweet home,” he says, and then winces as if he regrets his words immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula just rolls her eyes. “Where’s my favorite niece?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She had some finishing touches to make to your room,” Zuko says, his lips twitching. “You should’ve seen her this morning, she bounced on our bed before the sun even rose because she was so excited. Do you want to go straight home, or stop in the city?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The city sounds nice, but right now she doesn’t want to be in a crowd in a strange (yet not strange at all) place until she has had some time to herself. She knows the palace will be difficult, but she doesn’t want to put it off any longer than she already has. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go to the palace,” she says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(The palace. Not home.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zuko nods and together with the Kyoshi Warriors they make their way there. Azula is distracted by the new sights, and Zuko explains some of the changes they made. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She braces herself when the palace gates open, but she is more surprised than anything at what she sees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The grounds are bustling with life. Servants tend to the lawn, Kyoshi Warriors are training on the grass, and the palace doors are wide open. In her head, she always remembered this place how it was the last time she was here: the rubble of destroyed pillars, the darkness of the clouds above them, the shades of red looking more threatening and gloomy than ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now...the sky is bright and blue and clear, the sun feels pleasantly warm on her skin, and the palace looks more friendly than she could have ever imagined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She realizes she isn’t moving, so she takes a few steps forward, Zuko by her side the whole time. He watches her take everything in, and the two of them walk up the palace steps and into the building. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The interior has definitely gone through even more significant changes. There are more windows, more paintings, and she silently takes in the atmosphere. It’s nothing like she had imagined it. There is less fire and more natural light. The walls feel less suffocating than ever before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks nice,” she says softly, and Zuko smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aunt Zula!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turns away from a window to see the five year old run up to her. She hugs Azula’s legs tightly, as usual, and Azula strokes her hair in return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” she beams, and Izumi squeezes tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is Aunt Zula’s room ready?” Zuko asks, and Izumi nods seriously, pulling away and grabbing Azula by the hand. She leads her to a guest chamber, and when Azula pushes open the door she gasps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are fire lilies scattered in vases all throughout the room. The large window, which she never had in her own room in the palace, overlooks the garden, and there is a glass door on the same wall leading to a balcony. But what catches her attention are the drawings all over the room — on the bed, on the floor, hanging on the walls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy said the palace might be scary for you, so I wanted to make it happy,” Izumi explains shyly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula hardly hears her. She’s too mesmerized by the drawings. The lines aren’t straight and the proportions are inaccurate and some of the colors are ridiculous. But Azula doesn’t care about any of that. She doesn’t care that her hair is purple in some of them. She just stares. And stares. Takes a few steps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room is silent. She hears Sokka’s voice in the hallway but it gets closer and then stops, and she knows he’s standing with Zuko in the doorway, watching. Izumi hasn’t let go of her hand and follows, uncharacteristically quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every single drawing of Azula has her smiling widely. There are flowers and hearts around her in some of them, in others she is holding Izumi’s hand. Azula thinks of the girl that she used to be, and the woman she is trying every day to become, and allows herself to see herself through her niece’s eyes. The smiles that come easier than they ever did before. The love that she feels, even when she doesn’t know how to express it. The way she holds Izumi’s hand tightly, keeping an eye out for any danger, ready to do anything to protect her without a moment of hesitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Izumi makes her want to be better. Izumi </span>
  <em>
    <span>makes </span>
  </em>
  <span>her better. And so does Zuko. And Sokka. And Mai. And Ty Lee. And Ami. And Kaiya.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s hard for her to recognize that she’s improving. Azula often gets frustrated with herself when her first instinct is to turn to anger, or a threat is on the tip of her tongue. But she has come a long way, and she is prepared to continue moving forward. And that’s how Izumi sees her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula’s eyes are swimming with tears, but she smiles down at her niece, speechless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I make you sad?” Izumi asks, eyes widening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula shakes her head quickly and clears her throat. “No, you made me very, very happy. Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a new gesture, but it comes easily to her: Azula goes on her knees and opens her arms for a hug. Izumi’s entire face lights up as she throws herself in her aunt’s arms, holding her tightly. Azula squeezes her back, closing her eyes as tears fall down her cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Izumi,” Azula whispers, and she means it. She’s not cut out to be a mother. She never wanted to be, even before her own mother abandoned her. But she wouldn’t trade being an aunt for anything. She knows Zuko is a good father, he tries and he tries and he has a good husband to share the load with. She opens her eyes to look at them through her tears. She can tell that Zuko is also crying, snuggled up into Sokka’s side, and Sokka is smiling at her widely, genuinely. Izumi is in good hands. She has wonderful fathers, and Azula will strive to be the best aunt she can possibly be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s the first hug she has ever given her niece, the first time she has allowed herself to hold her. The first time she has felt worthy to hold in her arms the most wonderful thing to happen to her. The first time she truly believes, imperfections and all, that what she has to offer is still good. After so long kneading the dough that is herself, she now needs to let it rest, so it can rise and become something beautiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The metaphor had once reminded her too much of the image of a phoenix, rising from the ashes. She didn’t want to compare herself to that, after...well. She likes the imagery of the mantou buns better. She didn’t get reduced to ashes. More like flour. And the doctors added in some ingredients. And then Ami came in and worked with her to knead everything together, to make it make sense and to make it stick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gets beaten down constantly, pressuring herself and expecting perfection and overthinking everything. But she </span>
  <span>knows it is just another step in the process. She will probably never reach a point where she completely stops tearing herself down. But like the dough, she just needs to keep giving herself time to rise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><em>We need to be kind to ourselves and </em>rest<em>, so that we can grow into something even better,</em> Ami had said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And rise she will.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Azula leaves her old home and returns to her new one. It’s late, but a lamp is on in Ami’s house, and as Azula approaches she opens the door to greet her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was it?” she asks, wiping her hands on a towel, leaving traces of flour on it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azula answers by hugging her friend tightly. “Thank you.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>For encouraging me to go, for teaching me how to bake mantou, for being a friend, for waiting for me to come home.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ami seems to understand. She hugs her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaiya is asleep when Azula walks in, so she is as quiet as possible as she walks around their kitchen to make herself some tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She is trying to start a fire with the spark rocks when she pauses, staring at her fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hasn’t tried this for years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She thinks of her niece. Of her brother. Of his husband. She thinks of the palace grounds bustling with life. Of Izumi growing up there and it being a loving home, one full of happy memories.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A flame flickers to life in the palm of her hand. She smiles at it for just a moment before gently closing her fist around it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ami means "friend" and Kaiya  means "forgiveness" in Japanese according to a baby naming website I found :)</p><p>Let me know what you think!</p><p><a href="https://bisexuallsokka.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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